All of my recent self questioning can be directly related to the people that I allow in my life and thus their influence.
I have been blessed to know some amazingly talented and interesting persons. I would like to think I am one. But sometimes you meet someone and you sit back and go wow- or they ask you questions and make you *gasp* think.
I recently became re-acquainted with Reno. A musician, photographer, an immigrant and a very laid back yet ambitious soul. He started by asking me why I don't smile more. Then why I sit so far away. Then does he make me nervous? What am I afraid of? Why don't I do photography? Website design? Why do I say can't so much?
And I had to, for once, think, really hard, about these things.... my motivations. About why this almost stranger was questioning me this way? I was almost indignant... but intrigued.
After all- I always thought of myself as pretty happy, charismatic, open, warm, enabled.... but I didn't realize until that moment, sitting in the parking lot, staring at the clouds pass, that I had allowed recent events, hurts, fears to completely change that once shiny person into someone that appeared cold, closed, timid, and fearful of life- someone who was these things. I was and am apalled at myself.
through my associations with him I have come to question and to know myself better. To seek to change those things. We are a study in differences with similar expressions. he is ambitious, focused, yet laid back- with a plan. I am a dreamer, unfocused, and high strung with a million ideas a minute. I asked him why he hung out with me and he said becuase I make him think- and that is the highest compliment I can think of. In the beginning- he asked me once to be his muse. And I said yes- half jokingly- but now I hope I can inspire something in him as he has in me. Be it art or be in self realization.
I have also gotten to know Neo, a very talented and multi-faceted person who encourages me to not stress and enjoy life as much as I can- while responsibly bucking the system. lol. Someone else who has reawakened my passion of things past- webdev, geekiness, good people, and opening up to others.
Ive been so very closed off- so afraid of letting people in. A large part of the problem in my last relationships- so afraid to give away any part of myself- so afraid it will be used against me. But nothing great comes without risks or sacrifice... right?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The point of life
Life is a funny thing. 42. To love and be loved. The Journey. To know and share christ. These are all reasons given for life, for living, reasons for the struggle. All colloquialisms and feel-good phrases aside, what is the point?
The more you know- the less you know. A cliche phrase but very true. Personally I feel that the point of life is to know and be known. To truly know yourself is an amazing thing- and empowering feeling- and the closer I come the father away I feel.
Ive been through so much these past years... starting way back when with my breaking off my engagement to find myself, more recently to my adventure in canada, and most recently my ending of a long term relationship, moving, questioning my spirituality, and issues at work have made me realize what a precious commodity self actualization is. With each major decision, a fate line was twisted and bent- sending me careening in a different direction and revealing some aspect of myself. Ive made peace with the idea that I will never be what the typical person considers successful, and thats fine with me. Ive come to accept that I have certain personality quirks- im impatient, I have a hard time focusing- and with it understood that these are not excuses but something to improve and work on- and at the same time these quirks (some would say faults) give me other strengths- creating this mosaic of self that is me.
But every once in a while- when you think you've got a handle on it- life comes round and kicks you in the ars, asks you the really big questions and keeps you humble.
I thought no less than a few weeks ago that I was on top of things- I had made some important strides in realizing who I was and what I wanted. And here I am back at square one.
I talked to E the other day about the things going on in my life. I like to talk to them because we are so very different in our values and way of looking at the world- a lot of times its a much need balance, at other times its sends me into a neurotic frenzy- wondering if what i think and feel is right. Their opinion is that I am not in touch with who I AM. That all my knowledge of myself is superficial and as such I have no idea what my true desires are and thusly have no good working and reliable inner compass. I have to admit it was hard to hear- not because its not true- it is- and ive known it for a very long time, but to hear it told to me in so many words, and to be seen right through when ive spent so long trying to be a mystery, an enigma (something i have been taking down piece by piece for my own good- but still...) They also said that I have placed myself in a box... Ouch. To an artistic free spirit thats a major slap in the face. Said that I need to take time to break my boxes and to get to know myself and that I may be surprised to find that what I need and what I want really are the same thing.
So how does one know oneself? In the past I have always sought adventure- I always said you never know yourself until you are where no one knows you. But more and more Im wondering if thats really true. To a point I think it is. When you are free of built up expectations you can be your most authentic self. But at the same time how you treat loved ones and those you deal with on a daily basis also says a lot about character. I used to be horrendously flaky- unreliable- that was just "how I was" and my nearest and dearest loved me- not for the pitiful masks and enigmatic front- but in spite of it.
Many of my walls remain up- shaken and crumbling- but there still and I have to decide to keep them, rebuild them, or tear them down completely and start over.
In my personal life there are many possibilities- but I simply do not feel equipped to handle them- I feel like those walls- shaken and crumbling- and until I decide what to do with them- I cant move foward- and I cant decide what to do with them until I know who I am and where I am going.
So heres to getting to know me.
The more you know- the less you know. A cliche phrase but very true. Personally I feel that the point of life is to know and be known. To truly know yourself is an amazing thing- and empowering feeling- and the closer I come the father away I feel.
Ive been through so much these past years... starting way back when with my breaking off my engagement to find myself, more recently to my adventure in canada, and most recently my ending of a long term relationship, moving, questioning my spirituality, and issues at work have made me realize what a precious commodity self actualization is. With each major decision, a fate line was twisted and bent- sending me careening in a different direction and revealing some aspect of myself. Ive made peace with the idea that I will never be what the typical person considers successful, and thats fine with me. Ive come to accept that I have certain personality quirks- im impatient, I have a hard time focusing- and with it understood that these are not excuses but something to improve and work on- and at the same time these quirks (some would say faults) give me other strengths- creating this mosaic of self that is me.
But every once in a while- when you think you've got a handle on it- life comes round and kicks you in the ars, asks you the really big questions and keeps you humble.
I thought no less than a few weeks ago that I was on top of things- I had made some important strides in realizing who I was and what I wanted. And here I am back at square one.
I talked to E the other day about the things going on in my life. I like to talk to them because we are so very different in our values and way of looking at the world- a lot of times its a much need balance, at other times its sends me into a neurotic frenzy- wondering if what i think and feel is right. Their opinion is that I am not in touch with who I AM. That all my knowledge of myself is superficial and as such I have no idea what my true desires are and thusly have no good working and reliable inner compass. I have to admit it was hard to hear- not because its not true- it is- and ive known it for a very long time, but to hear it told to me in so many words, and to be seen right through when ive spent so long trying to be a mystery, an enigma (something i have been taking down piece by piece for my own good- but still...) They also said that I have placed myself in a box... Ouch. To an artistic free spirit thats a major slap in the face. Said that I need to take time to break my boxes and to get to know myself and that I may be surprised to find that what I need and what I want really are the same thing.
So how does one know oneself? In the past I have always sought adventure- I always said you never know yourself until you are where no one knows you. But more and more Im wondering if thats really true. To a point I think it is. When you are free of built up expectations you can be your most authentic self. But at the same time how you treat loved ones and those you deal with on a daily basis also says a lot about character. I used to be horrendously flaky- unreliable- that was just "how I was" and my nearest and dearest loved me- not for the pitiful masks and enigmatic front- but in spite of it.
Many of my walls remain up- shaken and crumbling- but there still and I have to decide to keep them, rebuild them, or tear them down completely and start over.
In my personal life there are many possibilities- but I simply do not feel equipped to handle them- I feel like those walls- shaken and crumbling- and until I decide what to do with them- I cant move foward- and I cant decide what to do with them until I know who I am and where I am going.
So heres to getting to know me.
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