Influences

All of my recent self questioning can be directly related to the people that I allow in my life and thus their influence.
I have been blessed to know some amazingly talented and interesting persons. I would like to think I am one. But sometimes you meet someone and you sit back and go wow- or they ask you questions and make you *gasp* think.
I recently became re-acquainted with Reno. A musician, photographer, an immigrant and a very laid back yet ambitious soul. He started by asking me why I don't smile more. Then why I sit so far away. Then does he make me nervous? What am I afraid of? Why don't I do photography? Website design? Why do I say can't so much?
And I had to, for once, think, really hard, about these things.... my motivations. About why this almost stranger was questioning me this way? I was almost indignant... but intrigued.
After all- I always thought of myself as pretty happy, charismatic, open, warm, enabled.... but I didn't realize until that moment, sitting in the parking lot, staring at the clouds pass, that I had allowed recent events, hurts, fears to completely change that once shiny person into someone that appeared cold, closed, timid, and fearful of life- someone who was these things. I was and am apalled at myself.
through my associations with him I have come to question and to know myself better. To seek to change those things. We are a study in differences with similar expressions. he is ambitious, focused, yet laid back- with a plan. I am a dreamer, unfocused, and high strung with a million ideas a minute. I asked him why he hung out with me and he said becuase I make him think- and that is the highest compliment I can think of. In the beginning- he asked me once to be his muse. And I said yes- half jokingly- but now I hope I can inspire something in him as he has in me. Be it art or be in self realization.
I have also gotten to know Neo, a very talented and multi-faceted person who encourages me to not stress and enjoy life as much as I can- while responsibly bucking the system. lol. Someone else who has reawakened my passion of things past- webdev, geekiness, good people, and opening up to others.
Ive been so very closed off- so afraid of letting people in. A large part of the problem in my last relationships- so afraid to give away any part of myself- so afraid it will be used against me. But nothing great comes without risks or sacrifice... right?