Life is a funny thing. 42. To love and be loved. The Journey. To know and share christ. These are all reasons given for life, for living, reasons for the struggle. All colloquialisms and feel-good phrases aside, what is the point?
The more you know- the less you know. A cliche phrase but very true. Personally I feel that the point of life is to know and be known. To truly know yourself is an amazing thing- and empowering feeling- and the closer I come the father away I feel.
Ive been through so much these past years... starting way back when with my breaking off my engagement to find myself, more recently to my adventure in canada, and most recently my ending of a long term relationship, moving, questioning my spirituality, and issues at work have made me realize what a precious commodity self actualization is. With each major decision, a fate line was twisted and bent- sending me careening in a different direction and revealing some aspect of myself. Ive made peace with the idea that I will never be what the typical person considers successful, and thats fine with me. Ive come to accept that I have certain personality quirks- im impatient, I have a hard time focusing- and with it understood that these are not excuses but something to improve and work on- and at the same time these quirks (some would say faults) give me other strengths- creating this mosaic of self that is me.
But every once in a while- when you think you've got a handle on it- life comes round and kicks you in the ars, asks you the really big questions and keeps you humble.
I thought no less than a few weeks ago that I was on top of things- I had made some important strides in realizing who I was and what I wanted. And here I am back at square one.
I talked to E the other day about the things going on in my life. I like to talk to them because we are so very different in our values and way of looking at the world- a lot of times its a much need balance, at other times its sends me into a neurotic frenzy- wondering if what i think and feel is right. Their opinion is that I am not in touch with who I AM. That all my knowledge of myself is superficial and as such I have no idea what my true desires are and thusly have no good working and reliable inner compass. I have to admit it was hard to hear- not because its not true- it is- and ive known it for a very long time, but to hear it told to me in so many words, and to be seen right through when ive spent so long trying to be a mystery, an enigma (something i have been taking down piece by piece for my own good- but still...) They also said that I have placed myself in a box... Ouch. To an artistic free spirit thats a major slap in the face. Said that I need to take time to break my boxes and to get to know myself and that I may be surprised to find that what I need and what I want really are the same thing.
So how does one know oneself? In the past I have always sought adventure- I always said you never know yourself until you are where no one knows you. But more and more Im wondering if thats really true. To a point I think it is. When you are free of built up expectations you can be your most authentic self. But at the same time how you treat loved ones and those you deal with on a daily basis also says a lot about character. I used to be horrendously flaky- unreliable- that was just "how I was" and my nearest and dearest loved me- not for the pitiful masks and enigmatic front- but in spite of it.
Many of my walls remain up- shaken and crumbling- but there still and I have to decide to keep them, rebuild them, or tear them down completely and start over.
In my personal life there are many possibilities- but I simply do not feel equipped to handle them- I feel like those walls- shaken and crumbling- and until I decide what to do with them- I cant move foward- and I cant decide what to do with them until I know who I am and where I am going.
So heres to getting to know me.
1 comment:
"So how does one know oneself?..."
*kicks your walls down, and finds nothing*
Nothing but you.
It's an interesting perspective that one could find oneself once they are free of expectations of the people they know...that they have to go some place new and unknown to become known.
But, alas, I disagree.
I disagree, because I have done it. I have been in my normal routine, and removed in the course of a weekend - to an entirely different location, an entirely different culture, and entirely different atmosphere. I got to be who I thought I wanted to be, who I wanted to project myself to these new people as - and for a while it was nice.
However - it did not last. I had put on what later felt like a heavy facade, and masqueraded around as this person that I was not. And in the new location, I digressed back to the person that I had originally been - because that's who I was.
Now, I am back in the original location from whence I came, and the people that are the closest to me, are the people that actually know the real me - often more than I know myself. They keep me accountable for when I start to apparently change who I am.
You can go all over the place, and meet new people - but you are you, and you know who you are and what you want. If you don't know what you want, you definitely know what you *don't* want...and that's as good a place to start as any.
I'm sure you know all this already - but I felt I should write something to completely disagree with someone's advice that has previously caused you some troubles.
You don't need to be told how to live your life - you don't even need to be told that who you think you are is not who you really are. You know exactly who you are, and who the other you is...and the other.
You're multi-faceted, ma'am...just like I am. All your experiences that may cause you to be confused, are merely the definition of your character. Now that you're aware of your self, you have the option to choose which direction your life goes in. So make it a good one - one that you want to live, and with the people who encourage you to be your real self - not to go find yourself again.
:-)
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